Living in a well
At the moment I feel like I'm living in a well, I'm at the bottom and try as I might I can't seem to get to the top. These last few months have been hard, I miss Rebecca more and more, you'd think it would get easier as the days go by but it just doesn't, that enormous hole she left behind is still as big and it's never likely to change. Every day I wake up and every day I have to accept she's gone and every day it hurts. Sometimes it feels like a sledgehammer hitting me other days a mallet, however I describe it, it hurts like hell. I accepted a long time ago that there was no point analysing how I feel I just have to accept it but writing it down does help.
We've had the cricket match and I've decided to continue trying to get prizes for next year, just so I have stuff to do.
I'm in the middle of trying to organise a Christmas raffle so that's keeping me a little busier than I would be normally, but as soon as I stop, the emptiness closes in, I try to keep occupied but it's hard.
It will be her birthday soon and she'd be 32, I wonder what she would have been doing now. If she didn't have CF, she'd be having a fantastic life, if she still had CF without a transplant, she'd either still not be here or struggling to live, so what's the point of wondering.
Then we'll have Christmas which she loved and which we enjoyed through her. People will say, "you should try to enjoy it, she'd want you to" I know that, but have you tried enjoying something when the person that made it happy for you isn't here. It just doesn't work, that's not feeling sorry for myself, it's just a fact. People are just trying to help and get you to be positive but unless you've lost a child, you can't ever know what that devastation feels like.
I'm not looking forward to the next couple of months as you've probably gathered but as I've had to do over the last four and a bit years I'll just keep plodding along and taking every day as it comes and hope that a few good ones come along soon for a much needed boost before the "festive season"descends upon us.
I did say in my blog when I started I would be honest about things and that's what I'm doing, hopefully my next blog will be a bit more upbeat, I'll try my best.
I've also updated the fundraising page and the living with CF has had a bit more added.
Thank you for reading, XX
