7th September

Feeling low

Today's post isn't very positive so be warned, I'm using it to work my way through a very low period in the hope it will help. I get up every morning and go about my day functioning but behind the façade I just feel so sad. It's just the way it is and something that keeps happening and I try not to beat myself up about it when it happens, I have to accept that this is how it is and do what I can to get through it. 

For the last few weeks I've felt like I'm in a massive hole with steep slippery sides and choose how much I try to climb out, I just slip back down. It's frustrating and extremely tiring. 

For some reason everything in life seems so much harder to deal with at the moment and I'm forever close to tears. I'm constantly being over whelmed with wanting to see, speak and hug Rebecca and even though I know it's impossible and it's never going to happen, my heart just keeps wanting it to. It's such a long time since I saw her and as time goes on this seems to get worse. My heart really does rule at the moment.

I've been out with my family a couple of times recently and I love it when we get together even though I always find it a bit difficult because Rebecca's not there. I always make an effort to enjoy myself because I love spending time with them, especially my three nieces and it's lovely to be with them. In fact we had a lot of fun on Friday at Kayleigh's surprise 30th birthday party, I even made a fool of myself dancing with Brogan and Lynda, so even though I feel down, I do still enjoy myself. The trouble is at the moment my heart just aches for Rebecca and it isn't going away. Grief even six years on still hits me like a sledge hammer and it does physically hurts.
 
When you lose an only child you not only lose them and everything they were to you in your life, but you lose the future that goes with that child and for me, that is taking some getting used to. I wasn't too bothered about Grandchildren when Rebecca was here because I didn't want her to risk her health by having a child and I just wanted her to have a longer life and be with me until she was so much older. Now I feel cheated because I've haven't got her, I'll never have a grandchild and she didn't get to live a longer life. Don't get me wrong, she lived her short life to the fullest she could and had a whale of a time doing it and as much as I try to think about the memories she created and not be sad, when I feel like this, sometimes they make it worse because it just hurts so much knowing I won't enjoy any more with her. I know in a few days/weeks this awfulness will pass and I'll feel strong again and I'll be able to appreciate all my memories but for now I'll just deal with the sorrow the best I can. 
 
At the moment being at work is the best place I can be because it keeps me focused on other things and I do work with some very caring people. Most people I work with also worked with Rebecca and they are happy to talk about and remember her with me. On days like today when I'm weepy they just let me babble on and give me a cuddle and it's so good to be able to do this without any embarrassment on either part. Thank you

I'm not sure what triggers these down days or even if anything does because there's always poignant dates/days and get togethers throughout the year. I don't want people to feel sorry for me because I'm sure I'm not on my own, there are other parents going through the same thing, this is my way of trying to work through my emotions and explain how I'm feeling. Hopefully it may help someone feeling the same and let them know they're not on their own and it's normal.
So for now I'll just try to accept it for what it is, a normal day in the life of a grieving parent.

As always thank you for reading. Sue x

PS One really bright day in recent weeks was a visit to Yorkshire Wildlife park with our niece Elosie which we enjoyed thoroughly although I think we were a bit rusty with taking out a 6 year old. She was a joy and made our day. xx