Feeling a bit down and how it just comes out of the blue

Before i lost Rebecca i was a strong person who could take on board an awful lot of things and took a lot in my stride. Of course things used to build up and i'd get stressed and struggled to cope but i'd have a good talk with Paul and if i was particularly bad, i'd get referred for a few counselling sessions.

Now, i seem to have lost that strength, maybe because i don't need it for Rebecca anymore, i don't know,

This week i was OK, then something happened that i wasn't expecting, i was fine with it at first.

Then i cleared my late Dad's garage out and although some of the things i found made me smile, i felt like i was throwing him and his history in the bin or taking it to the car boot. I know it had to be done and Dad would say i was daft and to sell what i can for Bec's fund, it's no good to him any more, but it still upset me.

I was still alright at that point.

Then a booking i'd try to make for a surprise i was planning was knocked back, Paul warned me this might happen and normally i would have dealt with it, but it upset me.

After that i was in tears, i watched Emmerdale and watching them break the news of Gennie's death to Brenda (it's a TV show for God's sake) i was in tears, then on to Corrie and watched Hayley and Roy (another TV show for God's sake) deal with the cancer and i was in tears. I mean massive tears, i could have sobbed and since then anything I've thought about to do with Rebecca has brought tears.

Until these couple of things happened i was merrily getting on with life and keeping busy and then WHAM out of the blue i'm off kilter and for a couple of days i can't cope, I feel Rebecca's loss again as if it happened yesterday and wish i could be with her,

I do seem to have picked u a bit quicker this time though and i'm OK again but one thing I've learned is to take every day as it comes and don't expect to much of yourself, grief and the aftermath of losing someone especially your child is unpredictable and the only way to deal with it is in YOUR OWN WAY.

I've put a few more bits on the other pages as well.

Thanks to anyone who has read this.

Tara for now 

Sue x

Life After CF Without Rebecca and Trying To Get On With Life: How i sometimes feel about fundraisingA few week...

Life After CF Without Rebecca and Trying To Get On With Life: How i sometimes feel about fundraising

A few week...: How i sometimes feel about fundraising A few weeks ago we did Ackworth gala and had a Tombola stall to raise money for CF. I was upset bef...

How i sometimes feel about fundraising

A few weeks ago we did Ackworth gala and had a Tombola stall to raise money for CF. I was upset before we went as i am most times i do anything because i know that Rebecca will never benefit from a cure, that sounds a bit selfish i suppose but i said i would be honest in my feelings.
As always someone came to us and said they had someone in the family with CF and that knowledge makes it easier, because i hope my loss will hopefully help other CF sufferers and their families. At previous Tombola sales we've had at least 3 people come to us that have lost children/young adults and then last Sunday we did a car boot sale at York and this time i spoke to two people who had friends that had lost sons to CF in recent years, one was 22, i'm not sure what age the other lad was. All these parents would be feeling as hollow and empty as i do and  i know that is why i do what i do and that if a cure is found in my lifetime, Rebecca's death won't have been in vain. Becci's find a cure fund will keep her memory alive and that will help keep me going for a few years.

I've updated my blog and included quite a few photos. From now on any additions i make will be in a different colour so it will be obvious what i've updated.
The pages are quite long and i haven't finished the living with Cf page and i may add to Rebecca's page in the future. I hope you don't get bored reading my pages and you get an insight into my lovely kid and the bastard illness that took her away from her family much too soon. 

Tara for now x