It's probably a good day to write a blog seeing as I use this for getting my thoughts and feelings out and it helps to write them down, it allows me to make sense of them I think.
I'd be lying if I said it wasn't a difficult day because of all the hype it gets but really it's no more difficult than any other day, It's just advertised more I suppose.
I truly miss being a mother so much, but I miss it every waking hour not just once a year. I've said this before, I feel like part of me is missing and I don't think I'll ever feel whole again. It's like I've been sacked from the most important and most fulfilling job anyone could ever have and choose what steps I take, I can't be reinstated.
I wouldn't even say I was a very maternal sort of person, I only ever wanted one child so I was more than happy with my lot when Rebecca was born. I was so overwhelmed with the love I felt for her when she was born and that just grew as days passed. When Cystic Fibrosis was diagnosed at three months, my love and need to protect her just deepened and continued to do so until the day she passed away. Over the years the bond we had was unbreakable and although we had arguments, big arguments at times especially during her time with dickhead Dave (people who knew her know who I mean) but we always got over them and we never bore each other grudges. It was no picnic as she grew up and blossomed into an adult, we didn't always see eye to eye the same as for any mother daughter relationship but we never fell out for long. I remember us falling out once as she was going out somewhere in the car and when she came back we patched things up and we made a pact that day never to part like that again and we never did again, we always had a hug before she went through the door. Her illness was extremely hard to deal with for both of us but so much harder for her having to suffer it's horrible problems. Rebecca made life a lot easier by the way she just accepted and got on with it and mostly did everything that was asked of her even in the last months of her life, she really only put her foot down about the transplant issues.
I miss her so much, miss what we shared, miss what she gave me I even miss all the worrying. I miss our special friendship, our arguments, her asking advice, me being her Mum in a million. I'm thankful every day that I gave birth to her and that I had the chance to be her mother but nothing I think, say or feel will ever take away the pain of losing her and me never again being able to be her Mum.I've written this, not because I feel sorry for myself but to tell the world I will be forever thankful for giving birth to, loving and being loved by my lovely, brave daughter Rebecca who gave me 27 years 7 months and two days of sheer pleasure. I'll leave these photographs of our togetherness.
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| We even threw ourselves from the Humber Bridge together and that took some doing for both of us. |
