Not a good day

This post is a bit sad but I did say I would be honest about how I am feeling and trying to deal with life and it is my way of counselling myself, let it all out, no bottling it up.

Most days now I'm pretty much holding it together and then out of nowhere I'm close to tears. Don't ask me why, it just happens. I walk Rebecca's dog Jess (she bought her for Richard to get him through the bad days when she wasn't here anymore, but she stayed with us thank god) every day and during  these walks I talk to her and my Dad and tell them what I'm doing, how I'm feeling what's going on in life. This morning I knew it was going to be a hard day when I had a few tears whilst gabbing to them. Then when coming away from the cemetery I felt my heart was breaking, why is she in there when she should be with me, it's a place for old people who've had their lives, not for a 27 year old with everything to live for.
Today I bloody hate CF, it's a horrible illness and only people who suffer and live with it know the true evilness of it.
Anyway I pulled myself together and got on with the day, had a birthday party to go too.
My niece's little girl Eloise Rebecca was 4 on Thursday and she was having a little party and a bouncy castle. Eloise was given this middle name after my Rebecca and it is such a lovely gesture, so thoughtful of Lynda and Ash I love them so much for doing that, don't think they realise how much it means to me. Well they will now if they read my blog:)
When Eloise was born I had to come to terms with knowing I'd never have grandchildren and initially it was difficult but I soon got used to it and I love it when I see her and see her change and grow, she's such a lovely little girl, a proper princess, Rebecca would have loved her. But today for some reason I found it really hard, I think it was the way I was feeling but it just hit home again how much I miss her and how much I'll miss out on her not being here. I never wanted Rebecca to have children because then she was here and I didn't want her to compromise her health for a baby, I just wanted her to be here for many more years. But now I'll  never see Rebecca have her own children and grow with them and I'll never having another little person, a part of her I can dote on and spoil. I felt so sad and the tears weren't too far away. When I got home I just felt her loss so much, I just wanted to see her walk into the back garden or hear that little cough or dirty laugh that usually warned us she was coming. I just felt like my heart was being crushed. It's been a while since I felt like this and it may be a while before I feel like this again but the grief, hurt and devastation of losing a beloved child never ever goes away, it just lurks in the background and catches you out when you don't expect it.
I'm sure tomorrow will be different, we'll just see how it goes, I don't expect anything these days.
One thing that won't be different though is how much I miss Rebecca, my lovely sparkly beautiful fun loving kind generous bugger of a daughter who gave me so much in her short life. XXX (Only ever did 3 kisses for Bec)

8/8/2013

Since Rebecca died I follow quite a few blogs of people with CF. If ever I thought about relaxing my fund raising, reading these would make me realise why I still do it even though my lovely lady isn't here to reap the benefit of a cure.

With this in mind I want to tell you about a young lady who is desperately ill at the moment.

Kirstie featured in a documentary two years ago - Love on the transplant list which was about her awaiting her transplant and getting married. She was very close to dying when she got her new lungs but she pulled through and after a tough recovery she got a second chance at life, I think she was 21 at the time.

Sadly after just over 2 years since her transplant Kirstie's new lung have gone into chronic rejection and she has just been told she needs another transplant. After initially being told she couldn't be re-listed, she has now been told she can. She is so poorly that she needs to get new lungs in a matter of weeks or she will be too ill to have them. She is now 23 and in her short life she has faced death twice in the a matter of two years.

This is the reason CF has to be cured, we know what it's like to watch your child die from this illness and it must be horrific for Kirstie and her family.
Please have a read at her blog she is one very brave young lady.

http://kirstie-2ndchanceatlife.blogspot.com/

I've added a few more bits to the pages, so have a read and please pass it on and help raise awareness.
Tara for now Sue x