Not a good day

This post is a bit sad but I did say I would be honest about how I am feeling and trying to deal with life and it is my way of counselling myself, let it all out, no bottling it up.

Most days now I'm pretty much holding it together and then out of nowhere I'm close to tears. Don't ask me why, it just happens. I walk Rebecca's dog Jess (she bought her for Richard to get him through the bad days when she wasn't here anymore, but she stayed with us thank god) every day and during  these walks I talk to her and my Dad and tell them what I'm doing, how I'm feeling what's going on in life. This morning I knew it was going to be a hard day when I had a few tears whilst gabbing to them. Then when coming away from the cemetery I felt my heart was breaking, why is she in there when she should be with me, it's a place for old people who've had their lives, not for a 27 year old with everything to live for.
Today I bloody hate CF, it's a horrible illness and only people who suffer and live with it know the true evilness of it.
Anyway I pulled myself together and got on with the day, had a birthday party to go too.
My niece's little girl Eloise Rebecca was 4 on Thursday and she was having a little party and a bouncy castle. Eloise was given this middle name after my Rebecca and it is such a lovely gesture, so thoughtful of Lynda and Ash I love them so much for doing that, don't think they realise how much it means to me. Well they will now if they read my blog:)
When Eloise was born I had to come to terms with knowing I'd never have grandchildren and initially it was difficult but I soon got used to it and I love it when I see her and see her change and grow, she's such a lovely little girl, a proper princess, Rebecca would have loved her. But today for some reason I found it really hard, I think it was the way I was feeling but it just hit home again how much I miss her and how much I'll miss out on her not being here. I never wanted Rebecca to have children because then she was here and I didn't want her to compromise her health for a baby, I just wanted her to be here for many more years. But now I'll  never see Rebecca have her own children and grow with them and I'll never having another little person, a part of her I can dote on and spoil. I felt so sad and the tears weren't too far away. When I got home I just felt her loss so much, I just wanted to see her walk into the back garden or hear that little cough or dirty laugh that usually warned us she was coming. I just felt like my heart was being crushed. It's been a while since I felt like this and it may be a while before I feel like this again but the grief, hurt and devastation of losing a beloved child never ever goes away, it just lurks in the background and catches you out when you don't expect it.
I'm sure tomorrow will be different, we'll just see how it goes, I don't expect anything these days.
One thing that won't be different though is how much I miss Rebecca, my lovely sparkly beautiful fun loving kind generous bugger of a daughter who gave me so much in her short life. XXX (Only ever did 3 kisses for Bec)