13/11/14

It's been a while, some ups some downs

Since I last blogged I've been a bit up and down which doesn't really surprise me anymore, it's just the way life seems to be now, but on the whole I've been OK.
There's been a couple of sad days to get through:-

On 17th September another year has passed since I lost my Dad, I really do miss him but I'm glad he's not suffering anymore. He was 76, a lovely lovely man, had got married, had a family and lived a good and happy life so to some degree, I can accept his death.

On 8th November Rebecca would have been 33 and as each birthday comes and goes, they are getting harder to deal with. I spent this year absolutely heartbroken, worse than I have been before and I really struggled, but as usual, from somewhere within the strength surfaces again and I live to face another day. I cannot accept Rebecca's death, I don't think I ever will, it's not fair especially when I think of the horrible people there are still living in the world. But that's life isn't it and  you either have to get on with it or sink and I'm not sinking at the moment. Rebecca would be bloody annoyed with me if I did and as I believe we will meet again, I won't risk her wrath.

I've been feeling a bit bitter towards Cystic Fibrosis just lately which isn't something I've really felt that much before and consequently, I've lost my enthusiasm towards fundraising a tad. Having said that, me Paul and Jill are in the middle of organising  Becci's Christmas raffle with a mini iPad and Marks & Spencer hamper courtesy of both Granma's, as first and second prizes.

Another thing I've been doing a lot lately is questioning myself  about whether I gave Rebecca enough support in the last months of her life. Although we were extremely close, (we used to have the same thoughts at the same time) we did both try to protect each other from things we thought might be upsetting and this is where I think my thoughts come from. I keep wondering if Rebecca was worrying about her death because when she was turned down for the transplant on 17th February she asked the doctor how long she'd got left and was told 6 months to 2 years, so she knew her destiny.
She asked me in the May if I thought about her dying and I said "no because I can't contemplate life without you so I try not to think about it" She just replied that she did and funeral songs had been popping into her head. We didn't carry on the conversation nor did she bring it up again and within 6 weeks she had died, but from her reply it was obviously on her mind. Knowing Rebecca she wouldn't want to mention it again because she wouldn't want to upset me, but I really wish I had, then I could have spoken to her about any fears and worries that I'm sure she would have had. We used to talk about absolutely anything and I mean anything but it seems this was one topic neither of us could and I feel I let her down.
I know I can't do anything about it now and I'll never really know if this was the case and I won't beat myself up about it anymore but I'll always wonder if I could have done more. Having said that, it all happened so quickly and even though we knew she was gravely ill, it still came as a shock when she died so soon. I suppose really in the end, we didn't know what was going to happen so couldn't do anything about it and maybe these thoughts and wonderings are just me still trying to come to terms with her death.

Paul is 60 on 28th of this month and we are going to celebrate with a family night out to Napoleons Casino. I'm sure if Rebecca was here, he would be getting a party whether he wanted one or not, she'd be having so much fun organising it. But she's not here so we'll just go out have a good night and raise a glass to her and my Dad and I'm pretty sure she'll be having a drink or ten for him and my Dad will be having his usual couple of pints.

If you're still with me, thank you for taking the time to read my blog.
I'll finish for now and update another day with news of the casino and whether Paul is any better with cards and roulette than he is with the horse racing, haha.

Bye for now.
Sue x