15/12/13

Christmas is coming..............

For some reason after I wrote my last blog, I got up the next day and felt like I was back in the early days of losing Rebecca. I couldn't think her name without the tears flowing, I couldn't speak her name without the tears flowing, her last days in hospital just kept coming into my mind, they were heart breaking days but I just couldn't stop it. I don't know what caused it or brought it on, these things just seem to happen and I have to go with it until it's passed, fortunately it lasted for that day and the next day when I got up, I was stronger again.
One thing I know i'll never get used to is the feeling of not being complete, I don't feel whole anymore, part of me is missing and that stays with me wherever I am or whoever I am with. I was meant, we were meant to have our daughter with us until we died not the other way round. I don't say much about Paul and his feelings but I know he feels it as well, when we talk about her I can see the pain in his eyes. He tries to stay strong for me the way he did when Bec was here, he's my rock, that's probably why i'm not quite as off my trolley as I would be if he wasn't here to prop me up. So when you read this Paul because I know you will, thank you for keeping me sane.

Anyway after that little blip passed I've kept busy with Becci's Christmas raffle which was drawn on 11th December. It was a great success and many thanks to everyone who sold tickets for us, we raised another £1288.00, fundraising page has been updated with a little photo.

I've put a few decorations up this year for two reasons really, 1) It didn't work last year not having any, it was still hard to get through and B) I saw a medium in January and the first thing he said to me was " you've had a very morose Christmas and you have got to stop it and get on with life". I know that was my Dad talking because it's a word he would use and he'd also have been telling me off. So I've listened and tried harder and to be fair at the present moment in time, i'm not doing too bad.
I went on my works Christmas do on Friday and I had a really good time, I thoroughly enjoyed myself but I did miss Bec. She would have been with us if she'd been here and I was sad that she wasn't out there on the dance floor with all the other young people but after a little chat with Bec's friend Emma, I felt better. It was a really good night and the next day I didn't have a hangover, Bec would be proud of me for that because I usually end up staying in bed all day after drinking a lot, it's true i'm not a light weight any more:)

I know Christmas day will be as hard as it's ever been but i'll get through it like I have the last four with the support of family and friends. I'm going to take each day as it comes but i'm looking forward to going out on Boxing day which is progress and hopefully we might get to a race meeting as well over the holidays, so I am trying to look forward. .
Then it will be a new year and new goals especially in the fund raising, i'll need to get one or two bits waxed, legs, armpits etc:) so as not to scare any of the people when I hit the swimming baths - Lake Windermere here I come!!!!  Then a walk from Scarborough to Whitby and the cricket match hopefully, so loads to focus on for 2014 oh and i'm also picking up the trainers in the new year for a bit of running that is likely to turn into the great north run in 2015.

I'll post again after Christmas and to anyone reading this I hope you have a great Christmas and 2014 is a healthy and prosperous new year for you. xx